SAD GERLS TOUR
SPRINGHILL DADS EARLY SUMMER TOUR TO ROYAL LEAMINGTON
SPA
by SCOOP
Friday 14th May to Sunday 16th May 1999
All the months of planning had finally come to
fruition and the massed ranks of the Sad Gerls were congregating
at the Rising Sun, in Shirley. Senseless must have misheard the
timing - he'd been sitting in the bar since 4 o'clock and
suffering having to make his half of shandy last 'cos he was
driving up. He even came out with, 'No, no, no' when asked if he
wanted a drink, Vicar of Dibley syndrome I fear. Good old John
Elms even made it early . . . by 1 minute. The T shirts were
sorted out, Jason specifically stated that he didn't want one
with a picture of Elvis on the back - what an offer. Our stout
band then left in search of an 'offie'. A gang of Elvis
look-a-likes went to get the refreshments for the trip - the poor
girl on the till must have though she was going to be the victim
of a hold up. The service was a bit slow, even a 'CUMON'
(Senseless had been invited by his mate, the coach Rick Haysom to
watch Salisbury AFC playing footie. 'CUMON' and an air volley are
Rick's trademarks) from Senseless didn't speed things up!
Jerry and the Johns were going by car because they were going to
have to come straight back on the Sunday for John's lads
confirmation. So off they went, they made good time and it wasn't
until the Newbury bypass before a relaxation stop was required.
Slack was eternally grateful to learn that, in Jason he'd found a
soul mate. But he quickly joined in the call for a stop once it
was 'requested', to the inevitable reply of, 'No, no, no' and a
'CUMON' from Senseless as they step down off the van.
Luxury Coach
Senseless, Slackbladder, Jack Frost, Mal Barton, Rob Frisby, Jim
Allen, Tim Hart, Jason Furness, John, Brian Medway, John Elms,
Dave Hedges, Ken Robson, Rob Thorpe.
Motor Cavalcade
Jerry Pugh, John Frisby & John Lynch.
En Route our chums had a jolly time singing along to the Elvis
tapes, one or two even knew the actual words. Shame their voices
didn't match that of their hero. A stop-off at the Red Lion in
Gaydon to stretch their legs, have a meat pie and the odd sherbet
- 'CUMON' - and the next thing you knew they were driving down
Leamington High Street. The trees and plants looked a bit dry and
in need of watering. In no time at all navigator Slack directed
Senseless to the Hotel. Jerry and the John's were already there -
couldn't wait for the van and John F. wanted to make sure he had
the room with the best dressing table and full-length mirror.
Mark, Rob's mate who organised the teecher's convention, was
waiting and it was agreed that after the rooms were sorted and
the Sad Gerls had changed he would come back and take them down
the Irish Club were there's a Karaoke (Elvis).
Our boys looked really smart in the bar waiting for Mark - you
might even have mistaken one or two for teechers. Mark arrived
and, in high spirits, off they set for the Irish Club. Eventually
they arrived at a dark and shuttered building after walking in
and out of different streets and buildings they could have been
anywhere. Mark's local, the Irish Club was deserted, it looked as
if it had been closed for years - 'No, no, no' he was so
embarrassed. Of course the lads didn't do or say anything that
might increase his embarrassment. They were the models of
decorum.
So, with no karaoke to attend it was agreed wholeheartedly to go
off and do some pre-match training before an early night. 'CUMON'
The last thing you want before a big match is drinking and
staying up late! There were plenty of places to go but our boys
finally found a great place where they could work up a good
sweat. It was a terrific run-out and a great shakedown. They were
careful not to overdo things, though - wouldn't want to pull
anything. Unfortunately, there was one training ground mishap
when a bit of confusion caused a collision between Mal and Rob.
Mal incurred a nasty injury but after a bit
of first aid and a cup of tea from a local he was able to run it
off - they were best of friends in the end. From the training
ground our lot were like lost sheep and eventually had to get
taxis to take them back to the Hotel - they were completely lost.
A couple of quid to be driven around the corner to the Hotel in
most cases but John F paid about eight to be driven passed the
Hotel a half a dozen times but even he was in bed before eleven.
Brian, though has been complaining of a groin problem and ended
his training session by stretching up the Hotel wall - he's
called Spiderman, now. Slackbladder had a bit of a scare when he
was asked if he was 'out' for the night and having a nice time in
the loo of a quaint hostelry, when he snuck away for a pint. He
decided on an early night then. He went up to his room and
watched the Gerls coming home safe and sound. He had a great
room, looking out over the park and entrance to the Hotel. Some
freak weather conditions caught out some of our boys as they
arrived back. There were some
highly localised
rainstorms in the area some arrived at the Hotel soaked through.
After a good nights sleep and a hearty breakfast most of the lads
went off for a game off golf at the local pitch and putt. Rob was
feeling his age and decided to take things easy for the morning,
saving himself for the game. John Frisby, John Elms and John
Lynch had I little moan - they'd been caught out in the rain and
their clothes had gotten soaked. Slackbladder for some reason
seemed to shrink down in his seat behind his Financial Times.
It was a lovely morning and after the brisk walk to the course
our lads were in high spirits. The happy sounds of their play
drifted across to the clubhouse; 'Oh, *#&%' as Mal dug up
another sod, '@\&$ it' as Tony blasted another ball into the
trees, followed by, 'CUMON' as Senseless encouraged the slow
coaches. It was funny to see the odd group diving for cover in a
convenient bunker as Dave or Jim's badly aimed ball went fizzing
through. A nice bit of fresh air and a good stretch of the legs
though, just the job for settling the nerves before the big
match.
MAKESHIFT v SAD GERLS
Robbie Thorpe
Tim Hart - Brian Medway - Jerry Pugh - John Elms
Dave Hedges - John Frisby - Jim Allen - Jason Furness
Rob Frisby - Jack Frost
Subs; Senseless, Ken Robson.
Well this was it, the opposition were a team of
young, fit, physical education instructors and Mark. Slackbladder
was going to referee the match. What a picture he was walking on
to the pitch in his freshly laundered polyester referee's kit,
dark glasses and white stick, shame he had to leave the Golden
Labrador at home. He eventually managed to toss for the side to
chose ends - when he was guided to the centre circle with one or
two 'CUMONS' coming from the subs bench. The Sad Gerls were in
for a hiding. There were one or two on the touchline who were
quite happy not to have made the cut. But weren't they surprised
by the way in which the Gerls took the game to their opposition.
The Gerls mid-field powerhouse of Dave, John, Jim and Jason
totally dominated, they were stroking the ball around like old
pros. The previous nights training had obviously done the trick.
Despite Mark's advanced years and time away from the game, his
strict regime of diet and fitness training showed, he was the
Misfits most influential player. Struggle as they might with the
Gerls mid-field, if they ever managed to get through there was
Jerry and Brian waiting with Robbie behind them in goal. and with
Tim and John at full back the Gerls' goal was nigh on
impregnable.
For the first half Robbie just wasn't tested, except for one
innocuous effort which he easily save but tripped over his own
feet and fell, landing on the ball. When he realised he couldn't
hide from the derision, carried on and kicked the ball up-field.
As he did so he winced, something wasn't right and finished the
half holding his ribs. The Gerls were getting right cocky now and
put the Makeshift goal under siege. Jack was clinically scythed
down in front of goal, right in front of the ref, not a peep out
of him - pathetic (more CUMONS). Some magnificent play in
mid-field with Jerry and Brian joining in saw a sweeping move
involving Jason and John providing Jim with the chance. The ball
sat up just nice for Jim to run onto and he smashed it. Mark's
missus must use the same script writers as the Sad Gerls cos she
actually said, 'No, no, no!' - Mal and John joined in. Jim's shot
beat the keeper all the way but it hit the inside of the post and
instead of going in it rolled, unbelievably along the line before
being cleared away. In another slice of action Dave put the ball
through for Rob to head on for Jack to make a break. His speed
beat the offside trap, he was away like a whippet and was haring
in on goal when, for no reason he just collapsed in a snotty heap
and the ball ran behind for a goal kick. Before that he'd had a
couple of shots saved and Rob had a couple of chances but Jim's
effort deserved a goal.
HALF TIME
MAKESHIFT 0 - 0 SAD GERLS
The look on the Gerls' faces was magic, 'we can
win this, you know', and they really meant it, they felt they
were winning 2 - 0. However, Robbie was struggling in goal, his
ribs were giving him some problems but no one was going to take
the keepers shirt from him. Then in desperation Dave volunteered
but was told to behave and that Robbie is just going to have to
carry on! Hey what an outfit - Makeshift had water bottles and
oranges . . . Oh! and a bucket and sponge. Hope the Dads aren't
going to expect that, now.
Our regular readers are now expecting the story to take a big
U-turn. Well think on, our heroes just carried on were they left
off. Dave had on header from a corner go just over, following
some great pressure. Jack got bundled off the ball inside the
area with the ref pretending to tie his shoelaces. 'No, no,
no!!!' What's that now, must be getting on for 4 - 0. Makeshift
just didn't have an answer, even with all their subs and fresh
legs the Gerls were stuffing them. Then, seeing the danger, Mark
took Jack's legs away from him, which did for him. He was
escorted to the sideline and the magic sponge was summoned.
Senseless now came into the action in defence and John Elms went
up front. The initiative had gone and the game changed. From the
80-minute mark the Gerls were never in it again and some slack
marking from a corner provided Makeshift with the breakthrough
that they though would never come. A great benali like goal line
clearance by Senseless. But the loose ball was eventually tapped
in after some goal mouth ping-pong. Hey ref, 'CUMON' he had to be
offside!!
That did it. The Gerls' heads dropped, after all their endeavour
and hard work, they'd conceded and didn't believe they could come
back. Makeshift had a boost of adrenaline and their younger legs
carried them through. Ken was brought on to help with his fresh
legs, John was sacrificed to make room. But from a cross about 20
yards out a Makeshift forward met the ball with a jammy volley to
see it fly into the goal just inside the post passed Robbie's
dive. In the first half he would have been closed down but the
Gerls were out on their feet, they'd run their socks off. Then in
the tenth minute(?) of injury time, where did this Ref come from,
adding insult to insult Robbie was lobbed from 25 yds out into
the far top corner. Time.
FULL TIME
MAKESHIFT 3 (1) - 0 (4) SAD GERLS
Man of the Match
Tim Hart
Ran his socks off right to the end.
A quick change and - 'CUMON' off to the 'Non drinking zone'
for some sandwiches and lemonade supplied by our kind hosts -
$1.50 a head cover charge. John Frisby took delight in explaining
to the barmaid the alternative uses of Pot Noodles, Robbie
explained some industrial language terms and an Everton fan told
us we were going down, 'No, no, no!' But it was nice just lazing
there, a bite to eat, something to drink, chatting and unwinding
after the game chucking beer mats at Robbie's nose - could hardly
miss it. Jim, for the first time, came out with his pet theory,
which is based on the fact that every thing in life can be
explained in factors of 10,000,000. This was quickly taken to the
Gerls hearts and will live forever in Dads folklore. Out of the
way, in a corner Slack thought no one was watching as he was
firmly shaking Mark's hand and pocketed a bulging brown envelope.
Mark then laid out the evening's activities. First, he was going
to take us on a sight seeing tour of the town (yawn) and then we
were to meet a ladies football team (sudden alertness) and some
teachers (yawn).
The Gerls were straight back to the hotel puffing and pampering
themselves ready for the evening - well Max was anyway. When he,
eventually came down he looked $10,000,000. His hair was radiant,
a freshly ironed shirt and smart new pants. I don't know what
skin preparation he uses but his skin was wonderful and he
smelled wonderful, too. Those lady footballers had better look
out!
Now, when you look back it all becomes clear. That sight seeing tour - the poor Sad Gerls must
have walked around every interesting building in Leamington Spa,
luckily Brian's groin was holding up. Typical of Senseless when
everyone else was following the tour guide, he wandered off to a
pig farm? Takes all kinds, I suppose. And then to meet the
teechers and ladies (school!!!) football team. But those young
slips of things fair wore the olds Gerls out with all that
dancing and keeping them out late. But it was going to be alright
cos Celtic All-stars were the easy side. What's that, John
Frisby, Jerry Pugh and John Lynch are going back right after
breakfast - 'No, no, no! Jason's done his ankle in and Robbie
thinks he's broken a rib or two - gulp!
The Sad Gerls didn't look too confident at breakfast on Sunday
morning. Jason and John didn't even come down for breakfast, they
were completely knackered. When senseless came down all we got
was weeee, soooee and grunting noises - he seemed to enjoy his
tour.
CELTIC ALL-STARS v
SAD GERLS
Tony O'Neill
Tim Hart - Spider Medway - Senseless - Mal Barton
Ken Robson - M$10 Allen - Dave Hedges - Robbie Thorpe
Rob Frisby - Jack Frost
Sub; John Elms
The side wasn't looking too good - what's that, 'No, no, no',
after yesterdays game Mark's drafted in some better, younger
players to give us a better game - great, just what we need. At
least the ref's agreed to 30 min each way. The Gerls might just
manage that.
Celtic won the toss and on their first attack drove into the box
and drove one into the bottom corner with Tony asking if we've
kicked off yet? The Gerls kicked off, lost possession, a long
ball forward for the Celtic winger to volley home. The Sad Gerls
mid-field, Dave and Jim were battling away but were over-run at
times and the defence was getting a pounding. It wasn't long
before a swift move was repaid with a cracking shot which Slack
could do nothing about. Senseless wasn't enjoying this, at all
and he was going off the field to relieve his dehydration when
Dave passed him the ball. He managed to return the ball into play
before collapsing to his knees. John came on to replace Senseless
and slotted in at the back. This gave the Gerls a bit more
composure at the back and although Slack made one or two great
saves, one or two comical ones and a couple right out of Stan and
Ollie's scrap book the score held until half time. This lot were
really quite fast and Mal and Tim were having to cover a lot of
ground - Tim stood out, his running and tackling was off the top
shelf. Mal was doing his best, poor thing. He managed to get his
head to a cross for it to bounce straight up in the air. He was
having to be selective which bit of his head to use - not wanting
to open up the cut above his eye. When the ball came down he met
it fair and square with the centre of his forehead, the Celtic
forward caught Mal's mouth fair and square with the centre of his
forehead. He was looking a right state! To make things worse John
Elms was looking at him with those eyes all the time, as if to
say 'CUMON' you prat, or similar.
There weren't any 'CUMONS' coming from Senseless, he'd gone
really quiet.
HALF TIME
CELTIC ALL-STARS 3 - 0 SAD GERLS
At half time Robbie was told that he was going in
goal no questions asked and Rob was a bit embarrassed by the
scale of impending defeat. He wanted to know if the Gerls wanted
to make a game of it or just piss about. The Gerls did have a bit
of a go and Senseless was unlucky to see a great header cleared
off the line to Rob and his header went just over. From a goal
mouth mix-up following a corner the ball fell to Jim a couple of
yards out and his snap shot sailed over. But it was mostly one
way traffic John Elms and Brian were doing their best to repel
boarders, 
Tim was doing his best against a tidal
wave. A challenge from Mal in the box knocked an All-Star to the
ground. Just a fair shoulder to shoulder effort and he got up
screaming blue murder - ha, after the challenge he took earlier,
his lip had swollen right up by now. Anyway, suffice it to say
that Celtic knocked a few more in despite some valiant efforts
against an ever-changing side. Every time you looked around there
were new players coming on - no wonder they were so fresh. My
calculator is a bit old and has only got one digit so the best
calculation I can make is 9 - 0 and there were a few off sides in
there and the odd handball. At least Mark never scored! But his
missus did a streak only to be tackled by a couple of eager Dads
Subs. The referees supplied for the tour were diabolical. This
one always seemed to be looking away when anything contentious
happened. Neutral refs for the next tour.
FULL TIME
CELTIC ALL-STARS 9 - 0 SAD GERLS
Man of the Match
Jim Allen
$10,000,000 performance.
After the match Mark insisted the Gerls went down
the Irish Club for something to eat and a farewell drink. The
Gerls were well aware of the need to get away on the dot to
ensure they get back in time to witness a resounding Saints win
and demonstration that they never were in any danger of
relegation despite those suicide team selections at the beginning
of the season by Dave Jones. The Gerls were fully revived when
they left the club and the 'CUMONS' and 'NO, no, no's' were much
in evidence.
Index - History - Match Reports- Results / Fixtures- League Table